the 4th c; are you contributing?
I knew my anxiety, frustration, and anger were of no help to my son Adam’s deepening alcohol and drug use. Yet I couldn’t seem to control these feelings spurting from my mouth. My voice, high pitched and tense, unloaded an abundance of discursive negative thoughts and feelings.
I justified.
Of course I’m anxious. Adam’s destroying his amazing potential. What will become of him?
Who wouldn’t be frustrated with broken promises, inconsistent follow-through, and disrespectful behavior?
And angry at the continual stream of chaos related to alcohol and drug use?
What mother wouldn’t be distressed?
When I learned about the Three C’s, that I didn’t cause and that I couldn’t cure or control his drinking and drugging, a huge weight lifted. Deeply exploring these C’s released mountains of guilt and helped me understand the mechanics of addiction. This release and new understanding helped soften the intensity of my reactions. Meaning that through the slow and gradual process of understanding, my feelings of anxiety, frustration, and anger eased the words spurting from my mouth.
Yet something still wasn’t quite right. I knew that my behavior was far from perfect or even acceptable. Wasn’t there a better way for me to behave with Adam?
Then I learned about the Fourth C. I could Contribute to my son’s addiction.
Reacting to Adam with anxiety, frustration, and anger fed the flames of chaos related to his alcohol and drug use and abuse. I was Contributing, to the addictive situation. I wasn’t helping him and I most certainly wasn’t taking care of myself. I felt overwrought and had reached the end of my rope.
So how do I stop Contributing?
By focusing on myself. By taking care of myself. By seeing I had choices.
This story is a good illustration of my shift. When Adam didn’t show up for an appointment to look at an apartment (for him), the old me would have lit into him about being disrespectful, rude, and inconveniencing me. I would have said, “I did, you know, take the day off from work to drive the hour and a half to look at the place you chose, Adam!”
Now I sent two (not fifty) texts and left one voice message that we needed to leave at the agreed upon time. The clock was ticking.
I was stressed.
But I had choices.
I could go to work. I could stay home. Or I could go by myself to look at the apartment.
Looking carefully at each choice, I decided to look at the apartment. I also was determined to enjoy my day off from work. I’d create a special day by making a surprise visit to my favorite aunt who lived in the area. So off I went. Minutes later my phone rang. “Mom, where are you?” It was Adam. “I’m ready to go.”
With minimal frustration I stated once (not over and over again) that I had texted and called. “I waited ten minutes. When I didn’t hear from you, I left. I’ll let you know what I think about the apartment.”
Adam was surprised and disappointed. I hadn’t ever taken an action like this. When he began to complain, I calmly stated I needed to hang up and focus on my driving.
I didn’t feel supremely light and happy. But I did feel better. I felt a shift within me that was less victim-like.
I had stepped away from Contributing to the chaos Adam created.
Wow! It was possible to choose an empowering action* and use a calm tone of my voice. I carried on with my day, focusing on the positive aspect of completing a task and having a pleasant visit with my aunt. My attention was on my own wellbeing.
The outtake of this story is that Adam and a friend went and looked at the apartment a few days later, secured it, and moved in.
It felt like a small miracle. Or, maybe a large one!
In this new way of behaving - of keeping the focus on myself - I was ultimately helping my son experience the consequences of his behaviors.
May this simple story help to empower your choices and nourish your relationship with yourself and your loved ones.
Wishing you healthier happier living…
With love,
* Some may criticize my choice of going to look at the apartment and suggest that this action was a form of Contributing. However, Adam was nineteen years old when this occurred. Those late teen years were awkward as he was not fully mature even by non-addiction standards. I made the best choice for me.