stepping off eggshells
I spent years walking around on eggshells. In my own home. Not knowing when the other shoe would drop and my loved one would snap over the smallest thing. Living like this, with enormous amounts of stress and anxiety, became my ‘normal’.
Eventually I learned about alcoholism, substance abuse, and addiction.
I learned that emotional patterns such as these are not uncommon for someone struggling with addiction:
- Agitation and/or discontent
- Uncalled for criticism
- Shouting out in frustration or anger in regards to simple tasks
Living with my loved one struggling with addiction, I experienced behaviors affected our relationship:
- Not following through on completing chores or agreed upon plans
- Inability to consistently carry on a rational conversation
- A continual cycle of anticipating, using, and recovering from alcohol and/or drug use
- Minimal or no quality time together
Naming these patterns helped reduce the number of eggshells I crushed beneath my feet. I could continue to love the person. And understand that their behaviors were side effects, so to speak, of alcoholism and/or substance abuse. It was still awful but I could emotionally separate a tiny, tiny bit more knowing that it was more about them than me.
There's a huge distinction between understanding and making excuses. What I'm talking about here is understanding. I still hold my loved one accountable for their actions. My wellbeing must be my top priority and I'm continually examining my boundaries. This is understanding my needs while simultaneously understanding the challenging behaviors related to alcohol and drug abuse. It's tricky to navigate.
What is Addiction? https://www.addictioncenter.com/addiction/
Like me, your loved one may be an intelligent, creative, and personable human being. Yet suffering from alcoholism or any combination of addictive substances begins to change their essence - the person you know and love takes on traits that seem incompatible with the person you really know. Understood like this, I could see my loved one was not acting like a happy person - my loved one suffering.
I was suffering and unhappy too.
Afflicted with a foggy mind, an exhausted body, and sagging spirits, my well-being was compromised on every level. My burden felt overwhelming.
I was a train wreck - on edge - anticipating God knew what.
Breathing a sigh of relief when my loved one was at their best, I hoped a corner was turned and change was on the way!
But, no.
Addiction is progressive. A few alcohol or drug free days or weeks doesn’t mean the problem disappears. The cycle of ups and more downs continues.
I learned about the cycle of addiction. I could also learn how to take care of myself.
The gifts of self-care include greater clarity of mind and heart.
A few more eggshells were swept away when I put these simple practices into action.
- I set up my ‘safe’ room - unbeknownst to my loved one - in the house for me. If I felt unsafe with my loved ones behavior, I had a clear plan. The ‘safe’ room’s door had a lock. A bag contained cash, an extra cell phone charger, a flashlight, and written down phone numbers of people who could help me. Snacks, a water bottle, and a change of clothing completed my ‘safe’ space. This eased my worried mind.
- I equipped my car with a small tray, cloth napkins, and a set of real silverware. I could pick up a healthy snack, meal, or chocolate(!) and eat in peace. Resting in the car, preferably with a view of nature, helped me become a bit more calm and relaxed. I made better choices from an inner place of calm versus a panicked state.
- Downloading guided meditations helped me when I couldn’t sleep. While I may have been unable to fall asleep, my body, mind, and spirit received a gentle rest. I felt the infusion of much needed positive energy.
- A pretty journal or a simple spiral notebook helped me. I could draw, doodle, or write out my frustrations, pain, sorrow, anger, and anything on my mind and heart. The benefits include a sense of relief and release; much healthier than shouting at my loved one. (If you’re concerned about someone reading your journal, tear out the pages after writing and ceremoniously destroy them.)
- A light and easy paper book to read took my mind off my troubles. It doesn’t require technology so can be read anywhere. This healthy diversion has always been one of my top go-to’s.
My mind and heart are clearer when I take better care of myself. I make better choices. Making better choices leads to less drama, chaos, and trauma. Said another way, I’m not adding to the challenges inherent in loving someone struggling with addiction.
10 Things to Stop Doing If You Love an Alcoholic: https://www.verywellmind.com/things-to-stop-if-you-love-an-alcoholic-67300
Understanding the behaviors connected with alcohol and substance abuse along with consistent self-care helped me step in another direction - away from at least some of the eggshells.
With healing light & love,