reverse
Today is the day my baby Thomas was born. He was unexpectedly born very sick… his diaphragm worked the opposite way ours does. The doctors had never seen anything like this and the medical texts held no real information about it.
Thomas struggled and lived for three months.
The real shock, trauma, and grief for me surrounded his birth. I was absolutely stunned that my newborn was not healthy.
There was no way for any medical expert to know that Thomas’ breathing would be so severely compromised once he entered the world. I somehow found this comforting.
About a week or so before Thomas’ death, I had a deep knowing that he would die soon. This was not shocking. I literally held Thomas for the entirety of his life. We were so attached. That powerful feeling that he would die seemed natural. I could feel his spirit lifting out of his body… and then coming back in.
For many years, I found Thomas’ birth date to be more painful than his death date. It’s like his birth symbolized suffering and his death symbolized release or freedom.
This, in turn, seems to reflect the way his diaphragm worked in reverse. Birthdays are ‘supposed’ to be celebrations and death dates are ‘supposed’ to be sad...
Now I know there are no 'supposed to's'.
(The photo is a polaroid taken in the neonatal intensive care unit. My daughter made the lovely necklace I’m wearing.)
With healing light and love,