Moving with grief
It’s like an intimate slow dance, lights low, and a shifting rhythm. Just you and your heart. Holding one another in the painful experience of loss.
This change in your life has happened. It hurts. Maybe a loved one has died or a significant relationship has ended, you’ve re-located, had a career change, or your health is suffering. Maybe you're watching a loved ones potential vanish as drugs and alcohol obliterate his or her life. Or maybe you're witnessing someone's painful physical illness. You feel beyond sad. Your heart hurts.
It hurts alot. And you feel so alone.
It hurts in your body. You’re exhausted and feel so heavy. You sleep too much or too little. Eat too much or too little. It’s a challenge to function.
Your mind runs in circles. Maybe you’re reliving the situation over and over again in your head. You feel guilty about something you’ve done or something you wished you had done. The thoughts don’t seem to slow down.
And your weary spirit feels dejected. Hope is absent. Why has this happened to you? To someone you care about?
This sadness, this loss, this experience feels too hard. This dance is just too slow, too long, too painful. It feels endless.
I’ve experienced this intimate slow dance many times. In the depths of my dark sorrow I tried to figure out what I had done wrong to deserve such misery. Then I began reading and learning and looking more deeply at my experiences...
I realized that simply by virtue of being human, we suffer loss, change, pain, and grief. I wasn’t being punished when my infant was born ill and died, my marriage ended, my parents became sick and died, and later my young adult son died driving drunk. Yes, it’s inevitable that loss and grief will continue to be part of my life. And no. I’m not really alone.
The reality of this deep breakthrough awareness shifted my perception. It opened the door to possibilities, to choices. Facing change, loss, and pain head on and heart open - at least some of the time - helped heal me.
Moving with my aching heart, acknowledging the intense pain and staying with it actually helped release it. It’s not our tendency to sit with uncomfortable feelings. Our culture, as a whole, doesn’t encourage or support this. Yet fearlessly embracing our grief - over time - shifts it. It moves rather than stagnates.
Moving With Grief is about being tender with your very personal story.
Separating the parts of our life in the midst of painful change helps us gain greater clarity and helps us make the best choices around our grief. There are four parts: being alone, being with others, being in community, and connecting with Spirit.
Being alone. Journaling, writing to your beloved, creating art, gardening, taking walks, and so on are gentle actions that help us move. Do something that you simply have an urge to do, even if you haven’t done it before or you don’t know why. Trust yourself.
Being with others. With each grief experience, some people will move out of your life while new people will step in. Friends and family members comfort level around a grief can be pleasantly surprising or upsetting. I’ve learned to be discerning with those I am open to and share with.
Being in community. After the death of my infant son, I participated in a group for parents who’ve lost a child called Compassionate Friends. Listening to other parents share their stories provided immense comfort and I was able to share in this safe environment. Your work, neighborhood, or spiritual group may provide solace. Be and share with others you trust with your tender heart.
Connecting with Spirit. Whether or not you have religious or spiritual beliefs, deep grief can trigger questions, doubt, anger, or love. So many feelings flood the heart. It’s all okay. Being in the mountains, by the sea, gazing at the sky, or simply resting on a park bench provides solace.
The key is to trust yourself, to trust your unique grief dance.
There is no formula for a grieving person. Many in our culture believe that after a year the grief process ‘should’ be complete. Maybe you’ve had a string of ‘good’ days. Then you find yourself in the grocery store, a particular song is piped in or you see a particular food reminding you of your loss and wham, you freeze or burst into tears. You’re consumed by grief in mere seconds. Know that this is okay. This very intense experience is part of your grieving process.
Treat yourself as you would a dear friend.
Be compassionate with yourself. Wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a big hug. Allow yourself to feel the heaviness and sadness. Know that this is okay.
Moving With Grief means we acknowledge, honor, and embrace ourselves in the dance with our sadness. When we feel, we begin to heal. We don’t forget.
“Don't run away from grief, o’ soul.
Look for the remedy inside the pain
because the rose came from the thorn
and the ruby came from a stone.”
- Rumi
Wishing you healthier happier living.
With love,