practicing self-compassion
It felt so foreign, that first time I read about comforting myself as I would a dear friend. I barely gave it a thought. At some point in the future I came upon this radical ‘idea’ again.
This time I was in dire need of radical self-compassion. I was in the throes of intense fear, anxiety, and grief witnessing my son’s downward spiral into addiction. What did I have to lose?
The directions were simple: imagine a friend suffering* as you are and say to yourself what you would to them. I struggled with discomfort. It just felt strange. My feeble attempts were… well, feeble.
Then I tried writing to myself. This was easier than speaking aloud or internally to myself. So I wrote sweet, comforting, and loving notes to my suffering self. This simple action was surprisingly comforting.
The self-compassion directions included another suggestion: place your hands on your heart. Reading this direction filled me with dread. My heart ached too much for this. I couldn’t do it. At least not right then.
Writing to myself warmed me up to practicing self-compassion. Lying awake in the middle of the night with a mind cycling with worry and a heart that felt as if it were breaking, I began to practice self-compassion silently. With my hands placed prayerfully on my chest I’d say things to myself like:
You’re doing the best you can.
You cannot control someone else’s actions.
Other people’s opinions belong to them, not you.
Breathe deep.
Breathe deep again.
Exhale.
Your heart hurts and that’s okay.
I know you wish it were different.
It’s okay.
It’s okay.
You’re okay.
Writing these words now, I feel the power of care, empathy, and love. Yes, that is how we naturally respond to people in distress. Flip it to ourselves and it feels odd.
Most of us were not trained to treat ourselves kindly. But we can learn it now. It’s simple, not easy.
Say the comforting words you would say to a friend who is suffering to yourself.
Write the comforting words to a friend who is suffering to yourself.
Place your hands on your heart or give yourself a deep hug.
Living from the heartspace** of compassion means that we’re cultivating kindness, caring, and concern. Our hearts are wide open, feeling the pain as well as the joys of being human.
Why?
When we acknowledge and name our suffering, we are facing the discomfort in a straightforward manner. This courageous act reduces anger, anxiety, and depression while nurturing self-esteem, inner strength, and resilience.
My practice of self-compassion began in the midst of traumatic situations. In non-traumatic times it continues to be valuable. For example, when the red flags of my perfectionist and critical ‘should’ voice (you ‘should’ be doing more) or the ‘comparing’ voice (you’re not as ‘good’ as that person) pop in, I know I need to pause, look more deeply, and practice self-compassion. Being kind to myself uplifts and increases an overall sense of happiness.
So, right here, right now, let’s delve into our hearts. Let’s honor, accept, and learn to understand our humanness. Let’s treat ourselves with greater and deeper compassion.
Here's my talk followed by links to learn more about Self-Compassion.
Wishing you healing & greater moments of joy.